for what is darkness

like a darkness I try to hide

like a silence I effortlessly denie

lost in a universe of my restless mind

it seems as though tears are elixirs

for my endless strife

yet if not for these things

I would not have a spirit to write

therefore I must say:

my pain is the reason I sing,

as well as cry

a dreamer that is my heart

still my heart dreams

past the fears and terrors

of what I may deem to be

and my conscience screams

against the frail existence

of what I may see

my soul and spirit are anchored

upon the seems of my hopes and faith

that that I am but one with all to be

and all the beauty I have ever know

is why my heart is bound to dream

 

 

 

ray of light

rays of light upon an amber sunrise

the sky turns to a fiery revival

as the dawn itself finds it to be magnificent

and full of virgin wonder

heart of the sky breaching the soul of the earth

through space motion and their child time

it is a splendor, a touch of the creator’s eminence

upon the once night sky

a sunder

my scenes are a sunder

and my thoughts led not

by joy nor fear, they are led

by a notion that you are near,

my soul rest upon your sight

and my spirit quivers in delight

of all the motion the dawn must rely upon

my heart for thee has matched such a feat

where I have been

dear readers

I have spent the last eight days in a psych ward, it was hard, I had only one visitor in that time and I was struggling suicidal ideation as well as some homicidal, I am a peaceful man yet being angry is hard on me and makes the self harm much worse. I have been self medicating with weed and that really did not solve the problem as I also struggle with my alcoholism, which runs in my family.

The first night I lied in a busy emergency room in the hall on a bed by a door for seven hours, I watched all these people come and go and nurses caring for people, ashamed I was taking up a bed I had talked to a social worker who wanted me to sign a paper saying I would I could leave there and not harm myself or others, I had told her in good conscience I could not sign it. late in the night they put me in a security ward where the next day I let anger get out control, it was only for a moment put in ended up putting a large hole in the bathroom wall, latter when I was isolated behind a curtain but with a camera on me I proceed to write “mom I really do think you’ll understand, please fix your mental health care” then I proceeded to take the pillow case off and try and strangle myself, which I found to be impossible, yet I tried for a five or more minuets. once they had a room for me in the psychiatric ward the nurse came in and found the pillow case resting around my neck and I begged her to let me go home and kill myself.

I did not receive my medication tell the third night and ended on the third day trying to find a way to kill myself, I felt abandoned, my mother had just lost her mother: my grammie, whom I was close to, and was emotionally unable to come and my friends where for whatever reason unable to show, I ended up, on the third day punching a stone bathroom wall, bruising my knuckles..When I was talking to a councilor I had told him I had a hard time dealing with being a failure at killing myself, and he sad “Rob if you think not killing yourself is a failure than that is a perception problem” this was one of those moments where I became sown with a seed of hope.

before I went in I realized my poetry and music was getting dark, and a little over a month ago I got high and drunk and proceeded to cut my wrist in the bath tub, I kept cutting deeper and it would bleed and then stop. I did not learn my lesson, a week latter I was drunk again and two weeks ago I was black out drunk; I was smoking about a gram of pot a day and ate tremendous amounts of food. while in the hospital I admitted I was a alcoholic and started to deal with my anger and my mental illness. while inside I wrote poetry, a lot actually, and it is hopeful, some are more prayers than poems and some are even promises, and yes I do like John Dennver. I share this in hopes that others will find the strength to get help, or just hearing that someone else is just as messed up as you, cause from time to time where all messed up..

thank you,